I think I just had a little epiphany. I have been fighting this part of my pregnancy,… the part where I need to slow down and rest more and my emotions are so intense… and I think I know why… it reminds me of when I went off of medications for anxiety and depression years ago. And god it was scary, to feel such a loss of control, so vulnerable, so uncertain about the next part of my life… That whole part of my life was traumatic and frightening. Especially since doctors, family, friends, everyone I knew was concerned for me, trying to help in the ways the could, but truthfully, … they were sometimes making it worse. People were so worried about me, and that was stressing me out more, I didn’t want to be a burden. And a lot of people were trying to solve problems for me, yet they had not walked in my shoes and didn’t really know what I needed.
There are a lot of similarities between that time in my life and this time. I just left my job recently and that makes me a bit more vulnerable financially. I am extremely sensitive right now and my emotions are a bit all over the place, and everyone around me is wanting to help, but sometimes not quite hitting the mark… and sometimes, when you are vulnerable and getting the help that someone thinks you need, rather than the help you have requested… its actually just adding a lot more stress. And when you are more emotional than usual and more tired than usual it can be hard to tell others what you want and need as clearly as you might like too…
So this is all going on, and I wonder if I had not been through the terror of another experience that was similar to this in some ways, would I be fighting this experience so much? I don’t know that I would…
I am grateful to have a bit of time to revisit some of these emotions from my past that are rising up powerfully inside me as I prepare for birth, because I think it’s important for me to be very aware of these shadow feelings of fear, anger and despair that are obviously still hanging over me. If I have learned one thing from the many years of healing I have done, it’s that anything unsolved from your past that is not dealt with, can and will show up in uncomfortable and unconscious ways until you fully face it. And when you really face it, the most amazing thing will happen. If you stare your ugly fears in the face and manage to witness them honestly enough to see the truth at the centre, you can find a lesson that heals your heart right where all that fear was tearing it apart.
That is what I just witnessed today during my little epiphany. And I will explain but first I want to share what happened yesterday to lead up to this.
Yesterday was one of those, ‘i am so tired but I just need to do one more thing’ days. It would have felt nice to rest but I was restless inside and so I was keeping busy or distracted. Watching Netflix, trying to garden (we’ll see how that went, good luck little plants), cleaning cooking… etc
That evening Mike (my husband) and I were supposed do a baby ritual to welcome our little one into the world and say ‘hey its cool if you want to be born now, everything is finally ready.’ Well instead we had a big fight, and I freaked out… like freaked out big time. I have splotches on my face and neck from blood vessels breaking a bit, that is how upset I was. I was a mess and slightly insane for a bit as I hit a wall of fear that is hard for me to even describe. And even as I was getting all worked up, I could hear the little voice of reason and compassion inside me trying to bring perspective, but I just couldn’t calm down. It honesty felt like an emotional purge. I just had to get some of the emotions out of me that had been building up. I think I had been distracting myself and staying busy so long that so much had built up and I couldn’t relax until I got some of them out as ugly and crazy as that experience turned out to be. (FYI this is why preventative approaches to emotional health are just as important as preventative approaches to physical health. If you don’t let stress and negative emotions build up, you can prevent violent reactions from toxicity.) So that happened. As intense as it was, it did feel better to get some emotions out of my system. And having cleared some of the stress and fear from my system, which I couldn’t fully find the roots of yesterday I believe I paved the way for my little epiphany… which I will be going to reflect more on as I rest after this post. Here it is:
I was fighting too hard back when I went off my medications too. And I don’t know if I could have done any better. And I may need to grieve that again now… I may just need sometime now, in the shadows of that experience to love the hell out of the brave young woman who left everything she was building in her life, and all the security she thought she had, and her very ability to function cognitively…in order to take a chance on life. She took a chance in believing that she would get better without medications, even if it was hell getting off of them. And it sucked. Big time. And the place she was in at that difficult and delicate time wasn’t clean, wasn’t very secure, or emotionally supportive in all the ways she needed so she had to leave with little to no money and try to function when her brain chemistry and her health were still extremely delicate. It was a scary, scary time. And she was alone in many ways, in most ways as she travelled first across the country, then across the world, to learn the things she needed to learn so that she could take care of herself.
And as her mind cleared bit by bit, she realized that she was not broken, she was not inadequate, she was not sick really either, she was simply a wonderfully sensitive soul in a broken world who had many unmet needs. She didn’t even grow up realizing what her true needs were but as she started to learn them, and started to learn how to meet those needs, she started to become, happy, joyful, powerful and at peace. And she developed compassion in her heart as she recognized that this world around her was not a conscious world where most people were in touch with their needs, so of course they couldn’t recognize or support hers. She had to work hard to make the changes she needed and develop the new habits to support her beautiful sensitive nature and rebuild a healthy mind and body. But, she did it..
I have been fighting this part of my pregnancy, because I think I have forgotten the truth about one that most difficult chapter of my life… that I didn’t do anything wrong and I wasn’t broken. I was just worn out from years and years of stress and trauma. Society generally didn’t understand or support me when I went off medications, I had to guard myself, believe in myself and step outside my (and most people’s) comfort zones to learn alternative approaches to wellness.
And truthfully, in someways, as far as I have come I am still just finding my grounding and footing. After all the healing I had to start building a life again, and the past few years I have been giving life all I have got to build my dreams. Now I finally have a beautiful husband and a peaceful lovely home and a baby on the way. And though some things about this next juncture of my life are a lot like what I went through when I left work and school and got off my medications,… this time is different. This time I know my needs and how to meet them. I have a partner by my side who will support me and love me through each step of the way, I have a beautiful baby inside me reminding me that my body is a divine miracle and that life is always evolving in powerful ways in and around me. I have a safe, peaceful, healthy home and I have come to recognize my role as part of a global wave of awakening consciousness. I witness how every day I and others like me are helping more and more people to realize their precious human needs and making our world a better place for all of us to grow and thrive.
So I think it’s time that I change my lens of the past. Stop pushing, and start embracing. Remember all the courage and faith that got me to this point, and remember all the miracles along the way. And REST, in peace, love, forgiveness and most of all deep, deep compassion What I went through was hard, and I pray that my learning will make it easier for others, and easier for my child to grow up in and conscious and compassionate world. A world where, it’s okay to be human, and to have human needs. A world where we don’t have to fight or fear. I will be meditating on that as I prepare for baby now. As I embrace this birth and the new life, I will be embracing a vision of a healed world. A better world for all of us. Amen. Shanti. Aho.